Ivalice Bleeds
by Hoboslayer95
Summary: Here's a new story, because I ran out of ideas for War on Judgement. Also, if there are no reviews, people disappear, and turn up later, crucufied with their own entrails Same for flames, so R&R. I will be messing around with the rules of Ivalice.
1. Chapter 1

NOBIS by Hoboslayer

(beta: Hazard 13, who believes that the title should be: The COHERENT version of "war on judgement")

DisclaimerI don't own things. If I did you'd all be dead ya stupid lawyers

The night started dark and foggy, perfect for just about anything in my opinion. I looked around, actively looking for a fight.

_Too bad that even the stoners and rejects that live in jagds recognize true insanity._ I reflected. _Oh well, there's the tavern._

" Tavern " was bending reality almost to the point where I could here it straining not to break in half. It was a run down guard post with only two walls still standing, and two huge holes in the ground. Periodically, the bartender would go over to one and pull up a bucket full of what looked like beer but stank like piss. I could see why. The other hole served as a latrine of sorts, and while most of the waste was going into the designated hole, nobody really seemed to care when some drunken reject picked the wrong one.

" What does ya want ya rich assssed bassstard? " growled the bartender at me. He was an inebriated bangaa, so drunk on piss-beer that his eyes were rolling constantly… in opposite directions.

" I'd like to meet with some of the people here who are decent fighters, and hate the judges as much or more than I do" was my clipped response. The bartender's eyes widened when his alcohol-swamped brain finally recognized my appearance.

" Ah, I can see that you've been reading wanted posters recently." I said, laughing at the bangaa's attempts to stop choking on his own saliva.

All the lizard could manage was to hack up a glob of phlegm and lunge over the top of his bar to grab for a weapon. An _Excalibur II_?

" Now where did a reject like you get a weapon like this?" I asked as I drew my _Eclipse. _The bangaa was no longer weaving on his feet. Apparently the adrenaline pumping in his veins had cleared his system. His reply was a swing that hit the ground three feet to my right.

"_Still drunk I guess" _Was my only thought as I ran him through repeatedly. The dead bartender's corpse dropped to the floor with a wet smack, suggesting that even the floor in this miniature hell was the crap it seemed.

"_No illusions here, everything sucks about as bad as it looks like it will." _I thought sarcastically. The bartender's sword went into the sheath on my waist where my old _Excalibur_ had been. Recently I had had an idea. If I could find an alchemist of sufficient skill, then I could probably mutate holy blades into an evil version that I could actually touch.

"Now you shit-worms, who will guide me to the clan that is rumored to be hiding in this pit?" I yelled as loud as is could. A surprisingly regal human sidled up to me. He was dressed in cloths that had yet to be destroyed by the shit-hole that I had come to, to escape the palace.

"I can guide you to the headquarters of our clan." He said in clipped tones, and glanced furtively off to the left. I followed his gaze, and saw that some of the supposedly drunken 'tards had stopped moving around in staggering circles, and were now staring at the two of us.

" Can we go somewhere private, so that someone doesn't tell the judges of my presence, hoping to collect on the reward?" I asked, glaring daggers at the suddenly lucid drunks.

' Don't worry, they're mine," He said, laughing. " But I understand your apprehension, so we can leave."

" Fine." was my clipped reply.

The strange human began to lead me away from the "tavern" and it's two holes. We walked in silence across the Jagd, and came to a surprisingly well-kept building that might have been a church to the False God in better times.

" Ave Satanus" I muttered under my breath, concentrating on the pentagram on my left hand. We entered the church, and inside was a motley collection of bangaas, humans, and a Nu Mon.

" Damn, the building is in better shape than they are" I said to my guide.

" Yeah, sorta" was his offhand reply.

Seeing a new person in their midst, the clanners gravitated toward me and my mysterious helper.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said an obviously hung over soldier " Ya can't bring tha' most wanted person in tha' kingdom inta' here.

" Shut up." The soldier glared at my guide, assuming that he had made the remark.

"Now jus' one second-"

"Shut up." I said again, and this time, the soldier saw who it was.

"Ya' can't-"

"Shut up Mack," This time it was the exasperated guide. "He has more reason to hate the judges than all of us put together… Don't you?"

"Yeah, I did come to make a proposal to you that we ally with each other to attempt to oust the government, but I see I should have gone to the Hounds or Bloodthirsters."

"NO!" screamed voices from all over the cavern.

"I thought so, and I assume that this Jagd does hot belong to you, judging be your condition… and no that was NOT an insult I said as growls came from all over.

"Actually, you're quite right, this Jagd belongs to the Bloodthirstrers" Said my guide calmly. "Oh and I almost missed the best part… INTRODUCTIONS. This is Mack, our soldier. He has a wide variety of skills in other classes, but has had to go back for some remedial training. That over there is Alcest, our resident gladiator. He fully mastered everything else, except Warrior. Back there is Katrina. She changed her name from Babette, and doesn't like people to know.

"Damn." I said.

"Don't let her hear you say that, unless you want to be very dead, very fast. She's

our assassin.

"Damn."

'Shut up."

"I wasn't talking about the name."

"Oh.. Anyway, there's Emet. He's our thief at the moment, trained as a Ninja, Soldier, Fighter, and Paladin.

"Paladin…" my voice dripped contempt for the holy warriors, but in Ivalice, they had the strongest weapons, and many people became paladins just to use them.

"Finally, there's me, illusionist and black mage extraordinaire."

"Your name?" I inquired quietly.

" What?"

"Your Name. It's what your parents give you when you pop onto this miserable mudball.

"Basil."

"Wow, that sucks." I said, laughing at the way _Basil_ winced.

"Yeah, yeah go die." He said, crestfallen.

Three hours later, in which a plan had supposedly been made to take over the Jagd, but in reality is five minutes of story time that I didn't feel like writing, the clanners followed me out of the church. I fell back toward Basil.

"Hey _Basil, _we really need to find an alchemist. His abilities would be extremely helpful at this point.

'Yeah well most Nu Mou outside of the Collective of Hate are all judge humpers." He said, spitting on the ground to emphasize his disgust.

"I might just be able to find one who is willing to work with us." I said slowly, thinking.

"Oh, and how are ya gonna do that huh? I just told you the situation with the Nu Mou."

"Shut up _Basil."_

"Grrrrr."

"Alright, alright I'll tell you what I'm gonna do," I said "I'm gonna go to the Collective's headquarters right."

"Mmmmhmm." Murmured Basil.

"Then I'm gonna break open the prison that they so famously keep their enemies in, and break us out a Nu Mou that we can train up to specs." I told my newfound clan.

"You're dead." Came back at me from all sides.

"Well guess what," I remarked, a grin playing across my features, "Two of you are coming with me," the babble increased " AND you can volunteer or be conscripted, your choice." The bangaa immediately stepped forward, as did the viera, and reassured their surprised comrades that they would return safely.

"Damn" I muttered. The viera evidently heard my remark, and swung her head toward me, glaring.

"Hold up, you've still got to help us with the battle for this Jagd!" said Basil incredulously. A chorus of "yeahs" followed this comment.

"It was never my intention not to," I said "now come on, we've got a battle to win."

The clan, which turned out to have a name so indescribable retarded that I will not write it (Couldn't think of a name) led me back to the tavern, which I learned was called the "Double Penetration" because of it's two holes, to await the arrival of the dominant clan in the area, who apparently came here every night.

I had just opened my mouth to ask whether or not Basil had the right information about the clan, when a group of obviously well off people swaggered into the bar, throwing around their rich, well-dressed weight.

"There's no way in hell that that's not them I said, drawing my sword with a hiss of metal on leather. The rest of my clan followed suit, drawing weapons: Emet had a Rondell Dagger and a Jambiya, Katrina had a Masamune, Basil had a Flame Rod, Alcest had a Flametongue, and Mack had crabs and was back at the base with a lighter and some tweezers. Then there was me. I had my Eclipse. I had left my armor back at the HQ, preferring a Reaper Cloak for this fight, and was beginning to regret the decision now that I saw the enemy troops. _A fucking robe can't stop a sword, dammit_.

Arrayed against us were an Alchemist, a Gladiator, a Sage, and a gunner. The gladiator was positively huge, standing head and shoulders over the rest of his clan.

The Bloodthirsters saw our weapons, and drew theirs: two staffs of unrecognizable make for the sage and alchemist, a huge beast spear for the Gladiator, and a calling gun for the gunner.

The two clans arrayed themselves for battle, forming rows, leaving me in the middle. Seeing my clan arrayed for the turn-based fighting that took the place of war in Ivalice, I _seethed_ with anger.

" Idiots. You still fight like this?" I screamed at my new nameless clan.

" Of course," said Basil "what other way is there?"

"You have a lot to learn." I said, charging forward, and smashing my Eclipse into the gunner's head. The moogle toppled backward with a strained kupo, leaking brain matter over the muddy floor, and stopping at the bangaa's feet (scales, whatever). The huge bangaa stabbed at me with its spear, putting inhuman power behind the blow, as I discovered when I swept my sword out to push the tip away from my body. The rest of my clan charged forward, and smashed into the ranks of our enemies.

"Take the alchemist alive!" I shouted, before having to spin away, yet again, from the tip of the murderous spear. I then launched my own attack routine, whipping my blade into the side of the bangaa, making it stagger and curse, scratching but failing to penetrate the armor. The giant gladiator smashed the butt of the spear into my face.

Hazard 13:…And that's that, for now, cuz fatass hasn't finished this. Wait for the next chapter…Flames aren't welcome, but 'Slayer and me tend to attract them, so whatever.

Hoboslayer: That's great. Now get the fuck outta my story, bitch.

Hazard 13: …Dammit.

Hoboslayer: OUT.

Hazard 13:…

Hoboslayer: Good. Now fucking review, or I'll eat your families and burn down your houses.


	2. It Begins

Disclaimer: A.FFTA+ Not MineNo Legal Action B.FFTA+ MineLawsuit, I don't own FFTA, Angel of Death, or The Boondocks.

The wooden haft hit me in the side of the head with almost obscene force, snapping my head around, and taking a sizable chunk of skin with it. The reptilian mountain spun the spear, bringing the point to bear, and thrust as hard as he could (the grunt he gave could only mean two things, and one doesn't happen in battle). I barely managed to get my blade in front of the thrust, and was pushed backwards by the force of the blow. I could feel the hate building in the back of my mind, before surrendering to it, and letting the berserker rage flood my mind with red mist.

**Basil's POV**

_The new guy is getting smashed up pretty bad. Maybe this will be the end of it, and we won't have to actually follow through with our promises…holy shit his eyes have turned red… he's berserk! _

" Everybody back off, he's berserk, don't get in the way."

**Me**

The rage was not conducive to memories. Flashes flicked before my mind: _back flip over the spear, Basil run away, decapitation with sword, falling to ground…_

I woke up in the HQ, to sounds of laughter.

"What have I told you about usin' that word?"

"Granddad, you said nigga forty- seven times yeastaday."

" Nigga please."

" Turn that down, he's awake." came a feminine voice that was almost recognizable, but that I couldn't place for some reason.

" Nah, it's ok, that's the Boondocks isn't it," I said " How'd you get a TV in Ivalice?"

" What's a TV?" came back at me. I walked over to the area where everyone sat, and saw what was going on. The alchemist that had been captured was also apparently an illusionist, as he was projecting a TV show from the real world onto the wall, sound and all.

"So you took him alive… good job," I said, "Oh yeah, how'd the rest of the fight go?"

" Fine, fine," said Basil distractedly "Now can we get back to the show? I was watching that"

" Yeah whatever," I said, "I've seen this episode a million times though." I went to my pack and took out a CD player. I had no idea how it had survived the trip to Ivalice, but it had, and I turned up the volume as far as it would go, and just sat there. After a minute the alchemist that was now a part of our clan came over, and seemed like he wanted to talk to me. Alas, the music was up so high that I could only hear every other sentence.

"Hi, how's it goin'? I'm-"

"_Breeding fast in poverty"_

"I was wondering why you guys saved me from the Bloodthirsters –"

"_Infectious driving dormant seed_

"I want to join your clan on a lasting basis-"

_" Left in charge to dominate -"_

"Fuck it," I said as I ripped the headphones off and put the whole thing away. "Now what is it that you want?"

"I want to know why you all rescued me from the Bloodthirsters, and I want to join your clan permanently." Said the Nu Mou cheerfully.

"You can join, we didn't mean to rescue you, and you need to not like the government," I said " We were liberating this Jagd for our own use as a staging area for attacks all over the continent, and you happened to be in the enemy clan, and we happened to need an alchemist."

" I had thought so," murmured the Nu Mou " and I can conform to all of your other wishes as well. I have no love for the government. It's their fault I'm here.

" Well, as a test of good faith, will you help me try something out?" I asked curiously.

" What might that be?" asked the Mu Nou

" I am unable to touch holy weapons, as they burn my skin. I was wondering if you could find a way to ahh make the weapons switch alignment."

" I have actually tried to do so before, and have found that I can do weaker weapons, such as Excaliburs and such, but not something as powerful as an Excalibur II.

" Alright, let's go to the armory and work on it for a while." I said

"Gladly," The Nu Mou said " Oh, and my name is Selecuos."

The next morning came, and found me and Selecuos finishing our experiments in the "lab", which was actually Mack's room. Mack was busy anyway. I looked at the weapons that were to replace my Eclipse. Two sickle blades, each three feet long, and black with red scrollwork. The blades had been subjected to a wide variety of death spells, along with other magic. The blades gave the wielder the unique ability to cast magic, and use alchemist skills, a last minute idea by el Nu Mon.

When we walked out of the "lab", the others were again watching The Boondocks.

" Granddad, Gangstalicious is to dumb niggas what Oprah Winfrey is to fat women." Huey was saying. I looked at Selecuos quizzically.

"I put a spell on the wall that makes it act like a TV." Said (name).

"How do you know what a TV is?" I asked

"You're not the only one from the other world." He whispered.

Three hours later, two and a half of which were spent planning our takeover of Jagd Dorsa, and the rest watching "WV" ( Wallvision), we left the HQ, leaving Mack and Emet behind to guard things. For this trip, I had donned my full suit of armor: black plate, with spikes protruding from shoulder guards, and gauntlets. The helm was formed into a grinning skull with evilly gleaming rubies for eyes. The rest of the clan had the same weapons as they had had for the fight at the bar, as they were still learning from them, but I had my new blades belted to my waste. We were ready for war.

**Jagd Dorsa**

When we got to Jagd Dorsa, we found the resident clan, the Hounds arrayed in front of us. The word had gotten out that we were coming. No matter, as the Hounds were clearly expecting us to stop and fight with turn- based tactics. We just kept coming, and when we were within five feet of the Hounds, they reacted, snapping weapons on guard. They were in pretty bad condition, and could only muster six or so people to throw at us. There was a fighter with an air blade, a black mage with a rod (ummm), a moogle gunner with a mithril gun, a mog knight with another air blade, a sniper with a Max's Oathbow, and an illusionist.

_Where are the beasts that they are so famed for fielding? _I thought, looking around, but seeing none. _Oh well, fuck it. _I charged, followed by my clan. My blades snapped into my hands, and I brought them to bear n the fighter, and began to overwhelm him almost immediately. His blocks were barely there to stop the whirling blades coming at him from all angles, and he began to acquire cuts. The fighter raised his blade over his head in two hands, and brought it down. I caught it on crossed blades, and shattered it with a flick of my wrist. A spray of blood arced from his chest a second later, and soon after, his head flew from his shoulders.

When I turned, Alcest Ultima Bladed the mog knight, Selecuos cast Meteor at the black mage, crushing it, and Katrina (Babette, whatever) had turned the gunner to stone.

The illusionist screamed out an spell, and water flooded from the air itself, and washed away Katrina and Selecuos. Alcest stood his ground, and I was too far away to be hit. I decided to test the power of my new blades. I concentrated on them, and used them to channel a Firaga spell from them, incinerating the illusionist.

"That was too easy." I said, laughing. Then a growl came from behind a hill off to the left. Five people mounted on hounds came out from around the sides, and I saw why the fight had been so easy.

" Those rejects were just buying time." I growled, readying myself for the real fight.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Guess what I still don't own this game… or Slipknot. What do ya know. A hundred lawyers nailed to the wall, a hundred lawyers nailed… dum dum dum.

The forces that were now arrayed against us were certainly more powerful than the ones that our clan had just rolled over. There were three bangaas, a human, and a moogle. One bangaa, who I took to be the leader, had black scales. _Now that's unusual._

The enemy soldiers moved towards us, and lined up in turn-formation as I now called it. The bangaas all had Maximillions. _That'll make them pretty hard to knock down._ The moogle simply had on a vest, and was oiling a gun that I did not know existed in Ivalice: a shotgun. _A lot has changed in the last ten years._ The two bangaas that I took to be subordinate both had tridents, and the leader had a poleax. The human had an Excalibur two and a Nagrarok, coupled with a Maximillion.

My new clan responded to the Hound's pause at once, probably fearing another verbal scourging from me for fighting Ivalice style. We charged forward, blades (and other crap) drawn and ready. A mêlée ensued when we had closed. My perception of time immediately slowed, and the world was tinted with red. The gunner fired his shotgun, and the buckshot ricocheted off my armor. I was so deep in the rage, that I could see every pellet, and hear the snarl of the weapon after the shot hit me. I spun, and the moogle worked the pump on the shotgun, and sent another blast my way. That's all that it had time for before my blades whirled in, slicing off arms and then sending a head flying away.

Meanwhile, Basil sent a Firaga thundering toward the paladin, who dove out of the way, and charged. Alcest was easily overpowering one of the subordinate bangaas, but finding the heavy armor that his enemy wore almost impossible to penetrate. Selecuos was raining his entire stock of spells on the leader, who managed to dodge them all.

One of the regular bangaas had been standing on the sidelines for the entire fight, and suddenly decided to charge Alcest from behind. I intercepted him about a second later, bent on turning every enemy present into a pile of steaming gore.

The lizard spun and stabbed with the trident. The red haze clouding my brain slowed my perception of time, and it looked as if the spear was moving lazily through the air. I used my left blade to blast the spear point away from my body, and plunged the other one into the lizard's stomach and yanked upward, severing it's diaphragm.

"Ow…" choked the bangaa before sinking to the ground.

I was surprised that my new weapons had cut through the Maximillion so easily, but didn't have time to dwell on it. The paladin came at me with measured strides, and began spinning attack routines at me. Completely by the book.

"Idiot." I spat. The paladin looked at me quizzically, and I used one of the spells stored in the fabric of my blades: a Thundaga. The paladin still had a surprised look on his face when he was incinerated.

Alcest had finally finished the other subordinate bangaa with a series of ultima attacks. He turned around in time to take an arrow to the face. Luckily for him, it bounced off the nose guard on his helm.

I looked around for the source. The sniper from the last battle had used conceal and we had forgotten about her. I absentmindedly fired a Blizzaga over my shoulder, and heard a scream. One of the ice shards had pinned her to the ground by the leg.

The only opponent left was the bangaa leader. Selecuos had still failed to hit him with any spell, and had started to run out of mana. My clan backed off, content to let me deal with the issue. They proceeded to tie up the wounded viera, and heal her.

Meanwhile, I advanced on the leader, content that the haze would not allow me to feel pain or fatigue until after the fight. The leader was hardly sweating, even after the workout Selecuos had given him. I leaped forward, and the bangaa stuck out his spear. I smashed into the point, but it was turned by my armor. The bangaa's armor was thick as well, but the blades in my hands had been sharpened by magic, and enhanced with death spells. He never stood a chance.

The haze lifted, and I fought a wave of dizziness. There was a pile of steaming offal on the ground at my feet. _" The whole world is my enemy, and I'm a walking target."_ I couldn't help but thinking. Some of the pellets from the moogle's shotgun had found tiny gaps in the right shoulder joint of my armor, burrowing into my skin.

" That hurts like fuck." I commented to my clan as I trudged onward towards the gates of Jagd Dorsa.

" Here." Said Selecuos, and the wounds healed.

" Thanks," I said. " And why is that still wasting my air." I commented, pointing to the viera.

" Entertainment." Was the only answer.

" Ya know, they don't taste bad roasted." I said, smiling at a half- forgotten memory.

" Ahhh… yes, that's one of the reasons you're so highly wanted." Commented Basil.

" But I only had one." I said, faking a whine.

" Cannibalism is still a capital offense," He said " Along with murder."

"Go fuck yourself."

" Whatever, anyway we have to get into the palace without being seen and finish the clan."

1 hour later

" Can you cross a border without being seen?" asked Basil to one of the men we had met in a pub, uproariously drunk, and now completely broke thanks to Emet.

" Thas' what we do 'cuz!" came back from the three drunks sitting there.

"Good," I said " we need a way into the palace, and you seem to know how to get in."

" Yeah man, we gardeners at the palace. We get to use the lawnmowers."

" Basil, I'm out. You deal with these idiots."

" Hey man if you're bored you can always check out the 'entertainment' we acquired at the fight." He said lecherously, grinning.

" Good idea." I'll be back later I said, grinning back.

Unfortunately, there is a rating- induced gap in my memory right now.

A/N : I can smell the citrus orchards, but sadly, no lemons for you, because they aren't allowed. Maybe I should for AFF. Anyway, news of void is welcome, and I can't tell you why.

Ave Satanas


End file.
